Yeshua's Love

 I came here to type all the things there were floating around in my head.  Now that I sit to type they all evasively float away, not run or flee but float......just out of my reach, taunting, mocking.     So many things I wanted to write about but it's hard to organize the random thoughts.   Looking back at my childhood I now know I was in survival mode for lack of a better term.  Now here I am a middle age man. wondering how I got to be where I am.  Normally I would digress but tonight I am just leaving it up to you to fill in the blanks.     So many things happened in my childhood, so many things I don't remember.    After I gave my life to Yeshua I learned through the bible and teachings and preaching of the love of the Father.  I was thinking about this earlier and had come to a reality about my relationship with the Father which shocked me but made perfect sense,  Now I can't remember what it was.   I ...

 I'm not entirely sure why I'm posting right now.  I was getting ready for bed when I went to turn off my computer for the night and thought of how I'm always saying I should post more blogs but then I go months in between blogs.  After all it's only been a couple of days since I last blogged.  Maybe due to my failing eyesight I am trying to just enjoy the remaining bit of eyesight I do have left.  For instance this screen is pretty blurry but not to the point that I can't read what I am typing....if that makes any sense at all.  Paulina used to say that all the time.  The if it makes any sense part that is.     I'm trying to describe where I am with Yeshua at the present moment but I'm having trouble organizing my thoughts.  The last couple of months have been a tremendous mix of doubt, confusion, triumph, elation, strength, weakness, joy, happiness, love, peace, uncertainty......not all at once granted. It has been exhausting and ...

 So here it is the later part of September and despite my vows to blog more often my somewhat reluctant ie lazy ways have defeated that purpose once more. Well never fear my faithful readers as I am here right now and right now we shall have a discourse on the things of Yeshua with some tiny updates on yours truly (that would be me),   To start off my eyesight due to my diabetes is growing worse. To the point that an eye doctor told me that she doesn't expect me to pass my next drivers test.  What she didn't know is that my license is good until 2027. Soooooo...yeah....I'm good for awhile.  I think.  Heh. As far as my weight goes I'm holding at around 180 lbs no matter what I do.  My body is so freaking awesome at times and annoying at other times.  Let's talk about Yeshua (my favorite subject/person/God).   I had been watching youtube videos on people who say they have been to hell and saw a lot of Christians there which completely freaked me out...

 One of the things I like to do with this blog is come up with hopefully interesting titles for my blogs.  So at the very least you were entertained for a moment before reading the actual blog.   Heh,  Well, to be fair to myself, I'm honestly trying to be more kind to myself as I have been hurt by people in my past and present and most likely future. I, also have hurt people both intentionally and unintentionally as well, much to my shame.   I'm still tired.   Relationships are extremely hard. I do have a new car though.  I rear ended this guy named Kenneth (yeah, I know.) on my way home from work this past Friday, the end result being that my Nissan Sentra's hood is bent in half and the passenger headlight is hanging out of it's socket.  By 9PM on Saturday I had a one times used 2019 Hyundai Elantra in red (my favorite color).  I love it.   I do plan on doing a lot of door dashing because for the first time ever I wi...

Yeah, I cant remember if I posted yet for 2021.  Honestly I'm having a hard time doing this blog as I have been on my computer all day and thanks to my diabetes my vision is all messed up. When I started this blog I thought it would be the most candid this I've ever done.  Now I have my doubts. So much has gone and yet probably in the scheme of eternity I've been acting like a wilting flower. I don't know what kind of flower.....pansy?  I only said that because it's a deragotary term for gay people, most often men. I've heard that the pansy is the strongest flower in existence though.    To give a break down: I'm sick I'm tired I'm uncertain of my future but most of all I'm having a crisis of faith.  I don't doubt anything about what Yeshua has done for me or will do. I doubt my love for Him. How do I keep proclaiming my love for Him while I keep doing the things that I do? My heart hurts. My soul is weary,. I cry for His mercy and I long for...