Times New and Old

 I came here to type all the things there were floating around in my head.  Now that I sit to type they all evasively float away, not run or flee but float......just out of my reach, taunting, mocking.  

  So many things I wanted to write about but it's hard to organize the random thoughts.

  Looking back at my childhood I now know I was in survival mode for lack of a better term.  Now here I am a middle age man. wondering how I got to be where I am.  Normally I would digress but tonight I am just leaving it up to you to fill in the blanks.  

  So many things happened in my childhood, so many things I don't remember. 

  After I gave my life to Yeshua I learned through the bible and teachings and preaching of the love of the Father.  I was thinking about this earlier and had come to a reality about my relationship with the Father which shocked me but made perfect sense,  Now I can't remember what it was.

  I used to be a reader in my younger years and through a lot of movies, TV, people watching, etc I learned how to self-diagnose.  One thing I learned to do was watch the reactions of people around you.  I've seen in movies and real life those people who can self-diagnose the others around these people would show signs of exhaustion and exasperation towards the person.  I learned these signs so well that I do it to myself all the time now..pretentious, fake, phony I call myself.  

  No one knows how to beat me up better than me. 

  Beat them to the punch I always thought.  

  Yeshua knows me better than I know myself because I don't know me at all. 

  I've come a long way thanks to Yeshua but I look ahead and see a long, unending road ahead and I grow tired.  I lean on the should of Yeshua as He hugs me and gently whispers His love for me.  

  Four times I gave up on life and four times I found myself back on the road.  Most days were just one foot in front of the  other while some days were energy and sunshine, a lot of days were walking through cement while the rain poured down on me.

  In every single step Yeshua was with me even when I did not feel His presence.....He was there. 

  I'm tired right now, worn out from thoughts, feelings and emotions.  

  It's what we humans do after all.

  I don't know where I'll end up tomorrow but I do know in my heart of hearts that Yeshua will be there with me and that's all that matters to.  

  That's all that matters.  

His struggling servant,

Kenneth Paul Maese AKA Kenny and to a couple of people Pug